If you skipped step 1, the Super Mario last level portal warp of steps, then you'll have to go through the whole game — I mean, process.

In my experience, banks abhor startups (also vacuums) so applying for a bank loan is a long shot unless you have some serious leverage — let's say, photos of the bank manager wearing a saddle, bit, and stirrups at a pony play convention.

I spoke to loan specialists at two banks. Early in the conversation I got the impression that there was little chance I was getting a loan, but evidently discussing Hired Goons — the publisher of Squid & Ink — is more interesting than doing actual work because they spoke to me for hours about finances before admitting a snowball had a better chance of acquiring a loan in hell.

The first banker explained that the bank was becoming more risk averse due to the predicted recession in the U.S. and thus couldn't give us a loan. I'm skeptical that a potential U.S. recession — which has decreased demand for Canadian imports, particularly in the manufacturing and forestry sectors concentrated in Ontario, but is predicted not to significantly weaken the Canadian economy — has any effect on the riskiness of a decentralized Canadian magazine publisher with worldwide customers. Apparently, this bank uses an actuarial analysis of risk, which looks at stable factors — the industry a business operates in — and factors that we have no control over — GDP growth or recession. An actuarial analysis ignores individual features of a business that could make it uniquely more or less successful than the average business in similar conditions. I would think it's worth investing in uniquely successful businesses but that sort of crazy talk is probably why I'm not an investment banker.

The second bank asked how much money I sunk into the business because, if we were approved for a loan, which we wouldn't be, that amount would determine the maximum size of the loan. Evidently, all our strategies for cutting costs and increasing profit margins — such as using online office suites to connect staff around the world and hosting face-to-face meetings at cafes instead of leasing an office building — demonstrates a lack of commitment on our part, three years of development notwithstanding, and limits our investment appeal.

If there's a lesson to be learned from these bankers, it seems to be that you shouldn't try to start a business when any of your country's trade partners' economies are experiencing a recession — with the interdependence of global economies, that is to say any country in world. God forbid you create any high-paying, skilled, non-service jobs. If you start a business anyway, make sure to acquire and waste as many investments as possible so your business acts like a proper international corporation.

The second banker suggested I would have better luck getting the money we need by applying for personal credit cards. We filed to incorporate Hired Goons to limit our personal liabilities to lawsuits for any riots we incite due to anything we publish, and our financial liabilities if the business goes down in flames. Why then would I sidle myself with thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt on behalf of a separate legal identity? But I will ask the next banker I speak to about corporate credit cards.

So far, bank loans seem to be the wrong way to go. I think we'll have more success from the resources offered by the Canadian federal and provincial governments for assisting small businesses. Resources that I assume are meant to promote the image that Canada is committed to promoting innovative businesses that will help develop the Canadian economy beyond its historical focus on agriculture and resource extraction to value-added product manufacturing and high-tech industries; even though the process of finding an appropriate program and applying to it is disenfranchising to companies that don't employ consultants that specialize in jumping through bureaucratic hoops, which, if they can hire those consultants, should disqualify those companies from the programs.

The Canada Business Services for Entrepreneurs website lists government assistance programs and private sector financial providers. The Business Development Bank of Canada's mission is to provide finances and consulting to small and medium businesses.

I expect a lower level of abhorrence from these organizations.